Make Us Proud

I’m so cold.  Sitting here waiting for the stupid train.  It must be like 2 degrees out here and to top it off it’s raining.  Sorry dude, that’s got nothing to do with you at all has it.  I try to be so objective in these posts, trying to help you out all I can, yet I just seem to keep talking about Sophie or the damn trains.  I guess I was hoping that you could maybe watch my thought patterns, see how I was changing.  See whether I’m doing something that sets it all off.

Sophie’s mum is doing better apparently.  Sophie wasn’t at college again today, but it doesn’t surprise me at all.  I wouldn’t want to be if something like that had just happened to my mum.  It was so weird seeing her the other night.  She wasn’t my Sophs at all.  She was a shell, just a simple unflinching character, swimming in a sea of despair.  I wanted to reach out to her, to do something, but I just couldn’t.  I tried hugging her, but she didn’t react.  In fact she kind of did the opposite.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, though something is clear, I have to get a handle on this.  Get a handle on my condition so that I can help Sophie.  She’s here in my life now and you?  Well you’re not Michael.  I’m going to keep writing, but not to help you, to help me.  That always was the intention right?  I just personified my future into you.  I know you’re not real.  I know you don’t really exist….well I guess you do.  I’m going to stop writing “to you” now Michael.  I’m writing for myself, to better my own life, my friends and loved ones.  For Sophie.

I hope you can forgive me, we’re not the same person you and I are we?  After our little reset, everything of me will be gone but these notes.  Don’t feel you have to change yourself.  Don’t feel you have to become me.  Be yourself.  Live on.  Figure it out.  Make us proud.

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