Series 1

I guess I’d better introduce myself. You probably know me best as Michael…….

End Of Series 1

I decoded the entire message and came up with this.

“Joel, it’s me Sophie. I hope you get this, a friend showed me how! He said you’d be smart and figure it out. Can we meet. London, Traf Square, Tomorrow, 10:20am”

I guess I’m going to London.

I just don’t know where to look for her next. I tried doing some goolging for Alan Bexter, but found nothing. The guys non existent on the net. I mean completely zero digital footprint. He’s a ghost. I guess I should take his age into consideration, he wasn’t of the digital age. It’s so frustrating. Ever tried looking for someone that doesn’t want to be found? I think I’ll try to visit the hospital again, see if I can recognise any of the nurses.

This are getting really weird now. I took a closer look at that DOS attack log. Every 1000 lines or so there is an odd block of text.

192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0000001 HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0000010 HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0000100 HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0001000 HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0010000 HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/0100000 HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"

What good am I to society anyway? Every two years I’d have to get a new job, retrain, everything. I’m a screwup. A total screwup. Why am I even here. Hey if you don’t see a post tomorrow. Screw it, you wouldn’t be around to miss it anyway. There’s only one thing that ever made sense to me. And now she’s gone.

Unsurprisingly Sophs wasn’t at college. That’s a whole week now. Her cell is permanently switched off, and she’s not been online either. Her house is empty. It’s like she’s just disappeared. I can’t really take it in. I can’t believe that just after I finally find someone to confide in, they get torn away from me. Just like my memories. Heck, it’s just like my memory has been erased already.

The spamming seems to have stopped. Now that’s odd in itself. I mean, why DOS a nobody and why DOS a nobody without trying to hack into their stuff. I know no one is in my systems. They are clean. So what the heck is going on. I just don’t know who I can trust anymore. I just don’t know what I can do. All I know is that I have to find her.

To top it off, I had a denial of service attack against my blog today.  Like hundreds of hits against it every second.  I can’t really see who or what they are trying to achieve.

192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/eorihff HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/goioaeg HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:56 +0000] "GET /wordpress/fwoshij HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/femihop HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/faiijez HTTP/1.1" 404 500 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"
192.168.9.23 - - [17/Nov/2009:08:04:57 +0000] "GET /wordpress/iihoool HTTP/1.1" 404 499 "-" "Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686; en-GB; rv:1.9.1.5) SHPos/20091126 Ubuntu/9.10 (karmic) Smartfox/3.5.5"

Looks like some custom version of Firefox set to spam my blog with meaningless rubbish.  Man I hate script kiddies.

I’m going out of my mind here.  I really need to find out if she’s ok.  Her cell is constantly switched off.  Linda doens’t know where she is either, but then she didn’t even know about the accident.  I haven’t told her anything else.  I’ll ask Mum tomorrow.  See if she can make any sense out of it.

They’re so damn overprotective sometimes, but it doesn’t even feel like they care.  Like it’s some sort of duty that they are bound to as parents.  I can come and go as I please, I’m almost eighteen now dammit.  Anyway, Sophs wasn’t at college today either so I tried going to the hospital.  Now this is where the weirdness increases.  I wish I could tell someone about it, but Mum and Dad told me I’m not supposed to go anywhere but college and then back home.

Sophie wasn’t at the hospital.  That in itself wasn’t too surprising, she’d need to take a break.  Her Mum.  She was gone.  The hospital said they had never had anyone with that name staying there.  I know she was there.  I went with them that first evening.  I KNOW she was there.  I just wanna help.  Where the hell is Sophs?  What the heck is going on?

There were two people I could see, possibly a third, each kitted out in what looked like police SWAT gear, holding assault rifles and belts containing all kind of other stuff, grenades, you name it.  What the hell is going on?  This can’t be anything normal anymore.  It has to be to do with her Dad, what has he gotten himself into?  But why the cavalry, they know he’s skipped town, Sophie even said so.

I didn’t stick around long.  I’m just a little bit freaked now.  This is getting a little weird and I gotta say, I don’t generally like weird.  I’m so worried for Sophie right now.  Why the heck would the cops send an armed SWAT team after her dad, to a house that they are pretty sure he’s not gonna be at?  Anyway, I will tell Sophie tomorrow.  If I can find her.

I tried calling her on her cell, but I just can’t get through and of course the hospital won’t give me any information on her mum as I’m not a relative.  Maybe the only option is for me to go wait at the hospital.  Or at her house.  I’ve been a little scared about going round there.  I’m not even sure she’s there.  She could be at her Aunts and I have no idea where she lives.

OK, so: decided.  Tomorrow I’m going round to her house.  I don’t care about college.  I have to find out if she’s alright.  I can’t get my mind off her.  TV doesn’t help, gaming doesn’t help.  Man, I’m a wreck.  This has to be the worst I’ve ever felt.  Not knowing what’s going on, and feeling trapped and shut out.  You know, I even forgot all about my condition, usually that’s something I think about at least once every few hours.  Kinda hard not to.

Sophs cried most of the afternoon.  Her dad has apparently skipped town.  He couldn’t handle the pressure.  Maybe he really was involved.  Sophie is keeping very quiet, though she was interviewed by the police several times today.  I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying, but one of them kept mentioning something called Red Cell.  I have no idea what that is at all.  Sophs has done nothing wrong.  If her father is involved, why don’t they just go after him?

I doubt she’ll be at college tomorrow.  I’m considering staying off too to look after her.  I hope no one finds out.  I just hope they find whoever did it, though it does seem pretty odd that her father would just skip town.  I don’t like it.

Started my new computing assignment.  I have to investigate the protocols used on the internet.  Come on, I know HTTP like the back of my hand.  Strangely enough these parts of my memory I never forget.  Long term kinda stuff.  Knowledge like that I keep.  Knowledge like that stays with me.  It’s bizarre.  Kinda like my own brain is trying to systematically ruin my own life.  Take a second to think that through.  Maybe when you are reading this you’ll actually know what’s what.  Maybe you are sitting on a beach, having a good old chuckle at how Joel in the past used to be.  I hope so man.

I don’t know what to do about Sophie.  She still keeps her distance from me at the moment.  I know she’s upset.  I just.  I really want to help.  I hate to see her like this.  I wish I knew what you know.  I wish I knew what to say.

Sophie’s mum is doing better apparently.  Sophie wasn’t at college again today, but it doesn’t surprise me at all.  I wouldn’t want to be if something like that had just happened to my mum.  It was so weird seeing her the other night.  She wasn’t my Sophs at all.  She was a shell, just a simple unflinching character, swimming in a sea of despair.  I wanted to reach out to her, to do something, but I just couldn’t.  I tried hugging her, but she didn’t react.  In fact she kind of did the opposite.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, though something is clear, I have to get a handle on this.  Get a handle on my condition so that I can help Sophie.  She’s here in my life now and you?  Well you’re not Michael.  I’m going to keep writing, but not to help you, to help me.  That always was the intention right?  I just personified my future into you.  I know you’re not real.  I know you don’t really exist….well I guess you do.  I’m going to stop writing “to you” now Michael.  I’m writing for myself, to better my own life, my friends and loved ones.  For Sophie.

I hope you can forgive me, we’re not the same person you and I are we?  After our little reset, everything of me will be gone but these notes.  Don’t feel you have to change yourself.  Don’t feel you have to become me.  Be yourself.  Live on.  Figure it out.  Make us proud.

Apparently her mum is stable.  I’ll update you more in the morning.  Gotta get some sleep right now.  So damn tired.

I’m getting really worried about her.  I want to help her but I just don’t know how.  Talking to her clearly doesn’t help.  Maybe I’ll pop round there now, it’s only 5:30 after all.  I could take her some flowers, really cheer her up.  Oh by the way, you know about the address fiasco, well I spoke to her about it, turns out …… ah damn it, I gotta go, Sophs is calling me on my cell again.

Sophs was really sweet today.  I just can’t get her out of my mind.  She just seems to know everything to say.  She asked me today if I wanted to go take some photos with her in one of those old fashioned booths, so that I would be able to see how close we were when my time is up.  So that’s what we’ll do tomorrow.  It’s going to be great, I guess you could say it will be our first date.  Scary, scary stuff!

Handed the assignment in today.  A maths assignment of all things.  Hopefully I’ll get better marks this time round.  Hopefully Mr Tang won’t be as idiotic as old Reignsy.  I’ll get him back.  Nothing too malicious of course, but I will get him back.  Maybe an inordinate amount of spam could be sent his way.  Maybe I should hook him up with my French compadres.

Pooped!  Laterz. J

It can’t be a coincidence.  Does someone else know about my condition?  If so how?  Surely that would mean they must have been rooting through my medical records or something.  But someone in France?  Maybe the information was sold to them.  At this point I just don’t know.  But I intend to find out.  When I spoke to Sophie, about it, she came over all like ‘I told you so.’  It was weird, but not entirely out of character;)  Sophs is Sophs!

I really don’t know what to do now.  I really don’t want to start spreading information around about my condition.  I don’t want sympathy, I just want to be left alone.  Maybe my antisocial behavior isn’t a product of my condition, maybe it’s just that I don’t want to get involved with people, a defense mechanism?  What about you Michael?  How do you cope with day to day life?

Gotta dash, another assignment due.

How can it be right that I just forget everything.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Oh what the hell am I thinking, I know there are people in the world that are far worse off than I.  I dunno, I just, I kinda feel like I’m left out in the cold while everyone else has a nice life.  For me it’s just, hell.  Mum and Dad move me around a lot.  Of course I don’t ever remember.  They say it’s to make sure that I don’t get into any difficult situations.  I know the real reason.  It’s so I don’t get taken advantage of.

It feels so…….Gee…..I feel so damn vulnerable.  Michael, I need you right now man.  You’re a safe haven.  I know I’m depending on you more and more lately.  Keeping you up at night, worrying.  I guess you don’t worry though, maybe I just make you sad.  It’s not like there’s anything you can do right.  Everything’s in the past once I’ve written it down.  Heh.  And so we reach the reality of our predicament.

Take care man

J

Of course not.  I don’t want to leave Sophs.  I don’t want to forget my experiences.  How will I ever learn to socialise properly, I’ve got nothing to compare to.  I keep thinking back to the “date” Sophie and I had the other day.  Had I had my previous memories I would have known how that would have looked to her.  Watching TV and films is one thing, not that I do that much anyway, but real life experience is what counts.

Sophie understands all that.  She’s so sweet.  She’s pledged all her spare time to help me figure out my condition, to figure out how I can either overcome it, or live with it.  The specialists keep telling me it’s part neurological, part psychological.  That something in my brain triggers my consciousness to forget everything.  One of them even believes that all my previous memories are stored away somewhere, waiting to be retrieved.  So far, nothing.

I will tell her about you,  I think I can now.

Thanks Michael

I know we’re not an item or anything, but thinking about losing all my memories of my time with Sophie is really grating me.  I was thinking about it whilst at work today.  Did I tell you I’m a shop assistant at a PC store?  The pays not great but I get a kick out of giving people “good” advice, something that seems to be rare these days.  But Sophie…….I’ll miss her………no I won’t I guess that’s the point.  She’s becoming super critical to my sanity.  For the first time, I’ve shared knowledge of my condition with someone else.

Sorry I didn’t finish up yesterday, kinda got to me.  We finished out meal and walked out along the shoreline.  I just don’t get it.  Even after what I told her.  I mean it would basically leave her life in ruins every two years.  We’d just get to a point where we were happy again and I’d go and lose everything.  Despite all of this, she stayed with me.  The whole afternoon.

Even with you guys, the future makes me feel so lonely.